My eldest has been having less anxiety episodes since starting Year 11, but when they do appear, it’s horrible to see and I feel so damn helpless. Today, he was doing his maths homework (a GCSE paper) and struggled with a question. I could see he was getting agitated, but wasn’t quick enough to intervene. As I urged him to take a break, he leapt off the chair and ran to hide under a blanket. He then spent the next 10 minutes thrashing about and going into a state where he won’t respond or let anyone touch him.
The irony here is that he’s a talented young mathematician who achieved a grade 8 in his mocks with a very likely grade 9 in his final exam. He loves the subject and has applied to study Further Maths at A-Level next year (equivalent to 2 A-Levels) along with Physics and Drama. I know he’s very capable of achieving well in all these subjects. But the damn anxiety is holding him back.
Then there’s the possibility of autism playing a part. My son is very rigid when it comes to obeying rules and will absolutely not break them. This is particularly problematic with maths as his teacher is strict and he does not want to disappoint her. For today’s homework, he had to complete the paper in a set time, and because he was struggling with a question, he knew he wasn’t going to make it. The two options available to him – let the time over-run, or simply do as much as possible and then stop – were not acceptable. The paper MUST be completed in full, in the allotted time.
After 30 minutes of watching cat videos, he felt ready to try again. 10 minutes later, we were back to tears, followed by an eventual explosion of anger, frustration and fear. Everything that had troubled him for the last 8 weeks poured out in emotional release.
This happens once or twice a term, but I’d say today’s incident was the worst yet. He was eventually able to explain that the academic pressure on him was so intense that he couldn’t handle it any more. Everyone knows him to be a high achiever and expects him to get top grades. But his cruelest critic is himself. He suffers from low self-esteem and believes that his achievements must be flukes or the result of an unusually easy assignment. He’s certain he will be found out as a fraud – classic imposter syndrome. To make this situation worse, he has also set himself a painfully high bar – no less than grade 9 in maths and physics – and concluded that anything lower is failure.
He’s now gone back to the maths, with only 5 minutes left. The outburst and release has calmed him, and he’s accepted he will not be able to finish this paper or answer all the questions. For now, the storm has passed.